Everyone Loves Ebony !

2011-02-27T13:44:00.001+08:00

Somebody noticed that if i were in a relationship, i would be the girl that says 'yes' and 'ok' most the times to the guy.

Most people would think im just the opposite.

What do you think?

I've got flowers but no valentine

2011-02-14T21:43:00.002+08:00

The east line train back home during the after office hours today was so much more empty compared to the usual Mondays. Of course, not many would go home or head east this early on Valentine's Mon-day.

And that's a good relief, for i was so worried my bouquet of lilies would get crushed by the smelly bodies

It was such a lovely surprise, for i'm really not expecting it. My heart skipped so fast the moment i hung up the phone on my extension from the mail room informing me that i have a bouquet of flowers to be picked up. My mind was filled with question marks thinking hard who would have bought me flowers. I was still thinking if the mail room guy dialled the wrong extension and how embarrassing it would cause if they werent actually meant for me. (",)

When i saw the bouquet of lilies being brought out from the mail room, i wondered even more. Who would have known they were my favourite, and to the office. Until i read the card, i couldnt help but to keep smiling and thinking how silly this guy was. This surprise really caught me, and i didnt know how i should react to it.

I've never directly told him i love lilies, couldnt even remember if i even briefly mentioned and how did he even know my office address! Of course, google is a powerful tool, but the effort to even google it.... touched.

This may not be my first bouquet of lilies received, but definitely the first bouquet of flowers received on V'day!

To be honest, i have not celebrated V'day for a decade now. Its exactly 10 years since i last celebrated V'day.

I remembered 10 years ago when i was 14, SC and i were dating during this period. He played truant and met me after school. I bought him a bracelet and he got me a wallet and we went Bugis to walk around, took neoprints and... basically that's about it.

That was the last time i spent V'day with a guy i was in love with and ever since then, i hung out with my godbro on this day for about 2 years (i think) before i promised myself never to hang out on this day unless its with someone i love.

I remembered couple of years back in poly days, R asked me out on V'day and he merely mentioned "lets go catch this movie next Monday". Without knowing it was V'day i agreed. When the day got closer, i realised it was V'day and i immediately made up some excuses to postpone it. I think i was interested in him then, but V'day to me is not any ordinary day, and i should only spend it with someone im in love with. The movie date between me and R never happened. Guys, tsk. They give up this easily! No sincerity!

Time flies... 10 years have passed. Gosh, im so getting old.

When Jay and i were still together, i knew he would be busy on V'day to accompany me. It was our monthsary too, and in to prevent myself from being lonely, i flew to Perth on purpose to avoid staying in Sgp and get myself all emotional. We had a small arguement few nights before i was supposed to leave, only to know after i return a week later that he was free on V'day all along. What a waste, guess it was all fated, we were never meant to be valentines.

This year, i am home, all alone, with my dog. I cooked instant noodles with scallop and crab sticks for dinner and spent the night in front of the tv and computer. Not that im complaining, because... i have a bouquet of my favourite flowers staring back at me. =))))

Hope you, my readers (if there is even any left) had a great V'day!

2011-02-12T13:46:00.002+08:00

what's happening to me?

Ive been feeling unwell for the longest time. The migraine's attacking me for so long, i bleed profusely whenever i brush my teeth and i choose to ignore everyone and close my doors at them.

I dont know what's happening anymore. I am not myself anymore. I am allowing my other self to ruin my sanity and make everyone around me hurt and depressed.

why is it so hard to even breathe?

2011-01-26T15:37:00.002+08:00

Like most girls my age, or older, who have been jaded before or stucked in a long term relationship that have obviously stale would say "it's just so tiring to start a relationship all over again, finding a man and have to know him from scratch, go back to square one to know someone new and spend time to strengthen the relationship between the two all over again. It's tiring, and tedious. So most of us, or maybe just me and a couple of girls I know, don't even bother trying and continue to be with the same guy she spent years with without love but only because we're too tired to try. Maybe a girl's age curve plays a part, we don't really have much time after turning 25.

I felt exactly the same way, maybe I'm lazy or plain jaded to try again. I can't remember how many times it had happen that after giving myself another chance to try, it still turns out wrong. I lost count of the number of times I've used the word 'tired', but I really am. Too tired to try again, too tired to put in effort to make something work but it doesn't, too tired to go through another heart break, too tired to fix it and pick myself up again.

Until someone taught or reminded me that being in a new relationship, there shouldn't be any pressure, we don't have to worry about going through the trouble of dating, catching a movie, knowing each other indepth, putting in effort on purpose just to make it work. It should come naturally, effortless and easy. To the extent whereby it's here and you don't even know it. When that happens, you won't find it a chore, you won't feel tired at all.

It gives me hope, and strength. The barrier of defence which I've rebuilt the past year is up again, I don't know if I should let it down or take it away, but it all seems so easy out of a sudden, maybe I don't really need that wall anymore.

2010-11-14T17:20:00.002+08:00

I woke up feeling uneasy today. A little depressed, a little lost. Feeling a little blue, a little cold. A little dark, a little gloomy. Today's a little different, not any normal Sundays. Not because it's his wedding day, but because I miss you so terribly much and I don't know why.

Baby i'm amazed by you

2010-11-13T13:47:00.002+08:00

Its amazing how we used to have random text messages exchanged everyday or at least every other day when we just got to know each other. When we got closer, "Call D" became part of my daily agenda list. But one day, it all stopped, as though time has paused and brought me back to life before June where i never knew you existed.

Its amazing how things change so fast, how all the 'used to' becomes past tense so fast, how im trying to revert back to waking up or passing my day without your messages.

Everyday it feels so heavy, everyday i miss you this much and everyday i remind myself not to look silly and be silly.

But because i am Amber Lin, i know these moments will soon leave me. In no time, you wont mean a thing anymore.

Hey magician, done with your disappearing act yet?

2010-11-07T22:35:00.003+08:00

You know how people always say "God has his plans for you", so does that mean i should be contented to whatever he had in mind for me?

If God had planned it the way he thought was best for me, why is my life in such a mess when it comes to relationship? All planned..? God's will..? Fuck off.

No offence to the other believers, but i used to believe, i used to trust, i used to worship and sing his praises since the day i knew how to walk but not for almost a decade now because since a decade ago my life was in a turmoil and i really dont think God was there to get me by.

Im beginning to doubt, beginning to lose even more faith because im so jaded of it all. so very tired of it all ...

Im not upset about D's leaving, okay, maybe i am, judging by the fact that i cried to sleep the other night, i think i am upset. But in overall, im just upset why it always happen to me in general.

Ive met and dated enough men this lifetime but again and again i get the same treatment and nothing good ever comes out from it.

Karma you think? Yea- i probably did hurt a couple of guys when i was much younger but i think the past few years of such treatment should have been enough to get me out of guilt, and build my confidence back.

But honestly, its not working.

So this is what God had planned for me...? That i meet guys and then they leave me? That i will always get my heart brokened? That i can never feel the kind of love and happiness all my other girlfriends get to feel?

So this is my life?

No, i dont want my life to always be in miseries, i dont want to be hurt once more, not a time more.

Its been so tiring to look ok day in day out when i meet people, when i go to work, when i have meals with friends or family. Personified as a barbecued marshmellow, i tried to be strong on the outside but im so miserable inside. This facade im showing, its killing me, its draining all my energy.

I feel so exhausted when the night comes, because only when im all alone in my little room could i be myself. Let out all my weaknesses and pains, chanelling it through my tears, be myself again.

Its ok if you think we're not compatiable, its ok if you think we should just remain as friends but its not ok that you just walk away and leave without a word. I hate it when people just leave and disappear without saying anything, leaving me to wake up one morning to realise everything had changed overnight. To keep guessing, keep wondering, keep questioning myself. "what went wrong?", "Did i do something wrong?", "Did something happened to you?", "Why me, again?"

It's fine to say goodbye, its fine to stop telling me you miss me and you wish i was there, its fine it all ended, but it hurts pretty much, it hurts so much, it hurts too much.

And you'll never know, you will never know.

2010-10-31T15:32:00.002+08:00

There's so many things i wanna say, but i cant find the right words to phrase it on this cyberspace where i dont know who's reading me anymore.

Are my readers still around now that ive stopped blogging for so long, and most entries are random thoughts with incoherence?

I've been feeling pretty stress these couple of weeks. Back working at CS is great, but the projects im handling is killing me quite a bit. My boss aint putting a lot of pressure though his boss wants results quite immediately, but i am putting a lot of pressure on myself. I want to prove my worth, and my capabilities, but everytime i try to do that, i tend to over-stress myself to the extent of breaking down and giving it up.

It happens all the time, my close friends would totally understand it. So when i whine and bitch about it, all they do is keep mum and let me talk because they know that í'll get through it by the end of the timeline.

I'm into my 4th month of uni life and i have no clue what was being taught the past 3 months. I havent started a single bit of revision and i kept procrastinating because i know that once i start, i'll feel even more stressed up and i'll definitely break down and collapse and fall back into my demoralised zone where i just wanna do nothing all day but sleep and feel depressed.

I am having a new life right now, focusing very much on myself. Cycling every Sunday for 2 hours, eating right, sleeping and waking up early, no more going to the C-word, drinking more plain water, taking care of my face and the list goes on. Just spent more than 1k for IPL treatment, next will be spending a bomb on my legs. I wanna be and feel awesome!

And if work and studies aint killing my brain cells enough, there's still someone out there who's constantly on my mind, killing me every second.

Wish you could understand me more.

2010-10-13T23:57:00.001+08:00

The reason why i hate falling in love, is because my mind is always elsewhere and my heart is always missing.

August is here ...!

2010-07-31T16:43:00.003+08:00

Having my late lunch while i blog did, so damn tired but couldnt get to sleep.

Had drinks with Alvin and Kelvin yesterday at Shanghai Dolly, so weird to go club with 2 uncles =x but then again, not much chances already...

Im leaving Barclays in about two weeks..

I thought i would be really happy and liberated when i type that resignation letter, but it really wasnt the case. I was feeling quite heavy hearted actually. I havent been in BC for long, but long enough to realise that my bosses and colleagues at CS were so much better.

My clique at BC are fun enough tho', how can it not be? When my current temp boss is Alvin aka mj kaki!!

Leaving BC, leaving European shift.. back to CS, starting Apac shift, back to school..my new life from August onwards. Perplexed feelings really, kinda afraid i cant cope with work and uni at the same time.

Its gonna be a whole new world and challange for me, i should stop being such a gambling addict and concentrate on more important things in life. Studies first, then to getting my AVP and only finally settle down and get married, provided i ever get attached, again.

Dad's giving a dinner treat tomorrow at Thai Village. Saw the menu already.. all my favourite food!! Coincidental or not i dont know - but Braised superior Shark's Fin with Crab or Chicken Meat, Poached Live Prawns, Salt Baked Chicken Drumsticks, Chai-Poh Steamed Soon Hock, Stir Fried Spinach with Abalone, Seafood Fried Vermicelli and Sea Coconut with Longan, its freaking awesome!! Especially the fish and spinach, favourite of the lot!!

2010-07-02T21:32:00.002+08:00

Currently in my little hotel in Melbourne while waiting for the guys to come back with supper. Melbourne is much colder than Sydney but nothing compared to Snowy Mountains which was in negative 4degrees!

Skiing was again, not exactly my kind of thing because i still dont know how to break so i basically skii-ed on my knees just to try to stop and not forgetting, crashing into people all the time. I gave up climbing up the mountain with all the equipments for a good 20 minutes just to fall and crash down the mountain in 20 seconds. =((

Accomodation here is pretty good in Melbourne despite us staying in a budget hotel. Its actually really quite decent, except for the shared bathroom but free internet access is love. Will be moving over to another budget hotel just across the road because the room is bigger with a personal toilet and balcony. No more freezing in the roof top with full gear from head to toe just to take a 5min smoke break!

Won a little money over at Star City (Sydney) but lost it all and more at Crown (Melbourne). The guys dont seem interested to go to Crown again so there goes my money. Darn! I thought i could have a free holiday or something, now im broke. =((

I think we're going to see the dolphins and horse-riding tomorrow, but for now, go Brazil go!!

Holla from downunder

2010-06-27T17:03:00.002+08:00

Sydney is not as cold as i thought it would be, but still freezing especially when the cold wind blows.

It has been a very chillax holiday so far, walking is quite a bitch since im staying in the city and its retarded to drive cos parking lots are mad crazy and hard to find.

Been walking around the city most the times and finally we drove a little further today to Bondi beach. People are still surfing during the winter, madness!

We'll be driving down to Blue Mountains and probably freeze there for a bit before driving down to Snowy Mountain for some skiing. Cant wait!!

House party yesterday was crazy. Martell (no mixer) all the way + 4 bottles of wine and beer. yes, i was a little wasted, just a little!

Puked twice immediately just as i step outta the house and still have to walk a good 15-20 mins back home in the cold. FML

Gonna have pizza for dins now!

To Jay:

2010-05-16T15:05:00.002+08:00

Dear Jay,

Remember there was once we sat by my pool in the wee of the morning talking about breaking up? My eyes were swollen as i try to be as rational as i am and constantly convincing myself that we should part. I finally proposed the idea of breaking up and then try to take back my words 10s after. It was such a huge contradiction because i didnt know how i could past my days without you, but i did.

Remember that night, we put down our status as a couple and started talking as friends, trying to see if there will be room for reconcilation from a different angle? You asked me why i love you so much when you didnt do anything spectacular, or even close to nothing for me. I didnt know why, and i still have not come out with an answer. I told you that unless i find another man who is like you, there's no way im going to fall in love again.

You told me to let it go, its not possible. Not possible for us to ever make it in future, nor possible for me to ever be happy again if im insistent to find another man like him, because there wouldnt be a second him.

And of course, at that point, the thought of finding another man never really came across my mind.

Dear Jay, i think i found him. He may not be all like you but somehow he is starting to remind me of you. I see a tint of resemblance everytime im with him but ive been feeling very happy.

I dont know if we will ever work things out, but i'll try. If he's meant to be, he's meant to be.

I loved you J.

A.

Hong Kong!!

2010-05-05T03:11:00.003+08:00

Jetting off to HongKong in a few hours time.. quite excited! Finally a holiday... havent gone out of town since March last year, madness man!

Eat, shop, eat, shop, eat, shop, drink.

Meeting Irvin and Jason there, how coincidental that they will be there on work trip! Niceeeeeee......... Lamma Island for seafood, Victoria Peak and drinks at Lan Kwai Fong with them all planned. Cannot wait!!

My past week had been filled with fun, smiles, laughters and <3

hehehehehe. I just cant stop raving about it lah... siao one!

Its been so long since someone sweep me off my feet.....you're just so..amazing.

2010-04-27T03:45:00.003+08:00

Outside nana on saturday night.. I lay on his shoulders and said "u smell like a cigarette", he kissed my head and smell my hair replying "u smell like first love".

Guilty strickened, I dumped him twice and it made me question myself why.

I've never changed so many clothes in 2 hours before!

2010-04-05T17:52:00.003+08:00

Before i touch on that, i just wanna say.... i had an awesome Good Friday, though i secretly wished April 1st never arrive because Joli is leaving and i will lose a great work/fun/dinner/supper/smoke/crap/party/mahjong etcetc buddy.

And reason why Good Friday was awesome was because i watched Rec 2 with the person i watched Rec with and its been sooooooooooooooooo long since we last had the date to ourselves holding hands! (but only in the cinema)

The day before Good Friday, a few colleagues and myself celebrated Joli's farewell at Moko and Boat Quay getting ALL of us half drunk, and some completely. Went to work the next day with a hangover and splitting headache.

And again, im so gonna miss him ....................

And reason why i changed so many clothes in 2 hours was because i had a photoshoot with Alaric and his gf for their upcoming blogshop launch. It was fun and exciting at the start and then it starts to get tiring cos i had to keep changing and then smile and pose and then change, then smile and pose and it just continues over and over again for 2 hours. My smile faded towards the end cos it was numbed already!

Cant wait for the pictures and the launch.. hope i look ok! Must support okayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Right, time for class.

2010-03-28T23:30:00.002+08:00

I fucking hate this crap

I hate studying and i so wanna give up.. Actually i think its me im hating and not anything else, but im blaming on everything else except me, as usual.

My paper is in 2 weeks and i still know nuts about what im supposed to know. I supposedly planned to keep this weekend free to learn Integration but i ended up partying with my sis and her hall mates last night, i wasted the whole of today stoning and now im trying to study on my own but its killing me because i dont know what im reading and its making me so annoyed and pissed i wish i never applied for uni and i so wanna give up already.

I dont know why im actually forgoing my career in Barclays just to get this damn degree cert when everyone else is getting this degree because they wanna look for a good job after which. I already have a job in a reputable bank with a good income but im in the midst of quitting it to get the damn cert, kinda stupid isnt it?

Should i just give up the papers and continue staying in this fcked up job and ignore everything else? I dont know ..

All i wanna do, is to.. play mahjong and have fun and not fret over exams and studying. If i cant even get over and done with bridging, how am i gonna even get over and done when the real semester starts? UOL is so much worst than what im studying right now.

I cant concentrate and focus on what i should be prioritising and i hate it but i cant seem to be able to do it.

Fucking hell, im so screwed

2010-03-26T02:56:00.005+08:00

I know i know, i havent been updating like how i thought i would be because ive been soooooooooooooo busy with....

- work, which i think i might be handing in the letter really soon
- school, yes finally time to get down to some serious studying which ive been procrastinating for the longest time. Its only bridging and its killing me already. Thank goodness i have yx!
- mahjong, as usual, just trying to get some extra moolah for my neverending buys and of cos to past some time off my weekends
and i think thats about it.

Its only 3 major events running concurrently and im sooooooo swarmed, i feel as though i have no time to sleep and i wake up only an hour before work each day just so i can get the extra snooze and daddy have been so nice (which i dont know why, and i dont intend to know why) to chauffeur me to work everyday for the past 3 weeks. gagawoolaalaaaaa

And just some random updates ........
i plucked out my lash extension again and feeling oh-so-horrid everytime i look into the mirror.
i promised my bro to help him model for his new blogshop and i hope i can do it well because i dont want his business to go down just because of my big fat arse in those pictures and of cos i can get to buy clothes without it being OOS. hehe
i've booked the hotel in Hong Kong and i cant wait for May to arrive!

I love May, i always do! Despite it being the month of the exams since primary school, i still love May because... its my parents' anniversay = yumyum food in my tumtum, plus its my birthday month (though i never fail to cry on my birthday but i guess i still love it) and this time im going HKG with muimui. yayyyyyyyy

On a side note, i wish April never come, because this April someone is leaving and i think i'll really really miss his presence. Sigh.... somehow or rather, and i dont know why, but i think he's quite important in my every day life. Its not like..that serious and important, but still... quite a figure. I think i'll really miss him. Sian, makes it even harder for me to stay on, hence the determination to throw in the letter, but then again... gotta really think it through before i make any move, just to be on the safe side.

And... my bff is back in SGP but he is not contacting me and it freaking annoys me because he is not acting like my bff anymore. I am so sad, i think he's into a new relationship and totally chucking me aside and i am not contacting him too because he makes me so sad. Must find new bff already lah!

2010-03-07T20:35:00.002+08:00

I'm in such a dilemma cos I don't know if I should meet Jay now or go for Mj game later.. It's been more than a year since I went out with Jay and the other two as though on a couple date.

My Mj kakis will kill me cos they been asking for game since ytd..

I think I'm just gonna meet Jay now for a while then go for game. Even being out with him for 2 hrs would make me happy.

Gosh, I suck.

I wanna be Nobody..

2010-03-07T02:53:00.002+08:00

because..

Nobdy is perfect
Nobdy is indispensable
Nobody is flawless
Nobody is happy forever 24/7
Nobody is troubled free
Nobody is stress-free from work
and
Nobody has all the answers to every questions

But,
I dont want to be nobody to you ..

2010-03-03T03:40:00.003+08:00

I should start loving my body before its gone ..

You know how i always say i hate having regrets so i always try not to have any and now i really really hate myself for giving into temptation, the wrong way.

I totally hate what im going through right now ..

God, i know i havent been thinking much of you for the longest time and i blame you whenever things dont happen right. But right now i need you so much, please take away this pain from me, take away my sufferings. I promise i'll be a good girl from now on.. please let me recover .. soon ..

2010-02-25T02:50:00.002+08:00

So many things to update about until i dont know where and what to start.

CNY was good this year, at least i could have proper reunion dinner with my family and spend the entire of day 1 with my relatives and friends. Gambled a lot this CNY, was winning big time initially but lost it all back! Its okay, money won from gambling are just unexpected windfall.

Chris told me yesterday "I tried telling you job satisfaction is more important than money, but you chose the latter, are you regretting now?"

Im not actually regretting, but i just realised that job satisfaction is indeed as important as the money. But what is job satisfaction?

To me, its not about the workload, nor the things im doing, its about the management. Im pretty sure if you have a really nice and understanding boss, no matter how stressful work is, no matter how much OT you need to do everyday, you'll still want to continue being in the same team, same company.

Well, at least that's how i feel about CS, we had our fair share of crazy times, crazy volume, crazy trades and working to 4am almost everyday. As much as we complain about how shitty it is, i never wanted to leave and most of us are quite willing to work OT that often without much complains. And that's because we had an understanding boss and we're willing to slave for him.

And that's job satisfaction.

Maybe its true, im still living in the facade of CS, i havent really move on yet, i kept comparing between the two and it just sucks even more because working here cannot be compared to CS at all. CS owns hands down. But that aside, i dont think i can carry on working in such an unpleasant place, dont see the point in dragging anymore.

I may not get to work with another boss as good as Chris, but at least i would wanna work with someone who is understanding and just..nice.

Well anyway, ive sorta decided so lets just see how it goes.

Just a couple quick updates:
- Lao niang is going back to study for my degree
- Lao niang and muimui is going Hong Kong early May for about a week. Please tell me which hotel to stay in that's in a pretty good location and not too expensive.
- Lao niang is going Sydney and Melbourne in June for 2 weeks, totally cannot wait. Need to buy winter clothes and boots!!
- Lao niang is damn tired and hungry and im so done with this post today.

Ok bye!

hair dyed - dual tone

2010-01-31T18:39:00.003+08:00

Had my hair dyed dual tone yesterday but there was a small miscommunication with my stylist, the colour turned out one to two tones darker. I wanted a really light coloured hair but now its really dark. Then again, maybe not so ah lian this way? hahahha

So glad i finally found another stylist i can go to. He totally knows how i want my hair style to be like and cut the way i like. Anddddd.... he's quite cute. HAHHAA

CNY is coming, and i havent bought much stuffs but i dont really feel like buying much cos there's nothing to buy.

Freaking tired now, feel like having Ikea's meatball and chicken wings + Timbre's pizza.

things to do before cny

2010-01-25T00:16:00.002+08:00

Shopping in town yesterday with Eunice. We walked till we were both starving and my heels broke halfway! Didnt really buy a lot of stuffs for CNY so that means i gotta go shop someore. I hate shopping ! Hate the crowd! Hate to wait for fitting rooms! Hate to squeeze! Hate it when the things i went are out of size!

Cant believe Eunice and i are friends for 10 years now. Time totally just pass like that! I was just telling her "are you sure we know each other for 10 years? Do you really think we know each other that long and that well?"

She said "duh lar i totally know you inside out". Gosh, that is just so true!

Gotta meet up the rest of the babes for a gathering to celebrate our decade's old friendship.

But for now, i need to psycho my mj kaki to stop being so lazy and meet for a game! (though we just played last night) ahahahah. Im just so addicted to it!

Its a love of a lifetime

2010-01-19T03:42:00.017+08:00

Just imagine, 3 wedding celebrations in 2 months with the same people (all CS colleagues!) Cant wear the same dress for each dinner because i'll be seeing the same people, have to doll up nicely during the weekends (im usually in shorts and slippers!) and needless to say, going broke! But very well nutritioned cos i had 2 bowls of sharksfin on every dinner. Clement is so gonna hate me cos he's anti-sharksfin. oopsie.

Being part of their happiest day makes me happy and everytime they have their speeches on stage makes me feel extremely touched. I am so envious, i really am. I wanna get married too. Anyone wanna marry me???

I wonder who's the next to get hitched!

Im trying to realign them properly with sub headings but blogger is so screwed its not allowing me so argh, im gonna just heck it.

A little a day

2010-01-19T03:26:00.003+08:00

Last Friday after work, Jeremy, James and I headed down to Cabana for drinks and random chats. The night ended with me puking out the yumyum chicken wing and fries in the toilet bowl first thing i went home. Im such a loser at drinking seriously!

Was hoping to go elsewhere instead of Cabana because i was just there with KC on Thursday and Beach Cabana was a place frequent by Jay and i and going back there just brought back many memories which i have been trying to put away for the past 1 year.

Mei tian xiang ni yi dian dian. Xi wang na yi dian dian you yi tian hui bian cheng yi ge ju dian.

Then on Sat was Fong's wedding at Hilton. The service this time round sucks so bad compared to Glenn's wedding just 3 weeks before! The food was more or less the same so it wasnt really facinating. There were 50 tables so obviously Fong was damn busy that night, he didnt even come over to our table to drink, the only one time was during photo-taking.

So this time round the table was filled with 9 people, it was only 7 initially but i pulled Harold and Ade over. How can he even put me and Ade on seperate tables man!!

I have the pictures, but i think im just gonna upload them on a seperate entry with no words because im so lazy to copy and paste them into the right paragraphs!

After the dinner, surprisingly no mj tiews and my usual mates were all..not in town and i was so bored so i joined Jeremy, Rohit, Alvin + gf and Shuzhen + bf for KTV. Its the first time i actually went out with people from Barcap but it didnt turn out too bad! Havent gone KTV for a while and my voice suckssssssssssssss.

And Sunday was ME time, woke up early for facial and mani + pedi before i went home for dinner. Mum cooked chilli crab, and i couldnt peel it because i didnt wanna ruin my nails. So mummy had to crack the shell for me and remove the meat nicely for me. LOVE!

Then we tried to blend some avocado milkshake cos i kept raving how much im addicted to the drink. It didnt turn out THAT nice like Golden Shoe's but it wasnt that bad.

I really love my parents (though i kinda get angry with them most times too), cos everytime i say something, they would remember and go the extra mile to do/buy it for me.

Had 3 leg MJ later that night, a very impromptu one and lost my dinner money for the week. BORING.

Im hungry now (as usual)

SO SAD CAN..

2010-01-13T05:04:00.002+08:00

So sad loh... i am all excited and hyped out waiting for May to arrive because i was planning to go States. Just imagine the Victoria Secrets and everything else i can get at a cheaper price (think Coach and Kate Spade though im not a big fan). But now, i think i cant go already cos apparently i think the car cant fit me in. SUPER UPSET.

Me wanna go States leh!!! Who wanna go with me?!?!

So now that i cant go to States, Muimui and i are thinking of Hong Kong. Sian lor, so im determined to travel to more places. Taiwan, Bangkok, Japan! Hopefully the Sydney/New Zealand trip is still on (though i quite doubt it).

Anyway, last Sat i met Yihao, Glenn, QQ, Daniel and Roy for dinner in town followed by chilling out with Vermonster at Heaven's loft Ben and Jerrys. Wah super sinful can, my 3 weeks of B&J craving was totally worthed it. 20 scoops!! Can you imagine?!?! I bet im not gonna have another bad ice cream craving for the next one month.

And i just remembered i havent tell WQ about this yet, cant imagine if i did, i think he is so gonna nag and nag and nag at me!

So yeap - been a really long while since i met them and they are still so fun to hang out with! Made me laugh so muchhhhhhhhh, think i should hang out more with them so my life is more entertained. Hehe.

Fong's wedding this Saturday at Hilton (again). Hope i can get to eat double portion again. wahhahahhaha im such a glutton but i likeeeeeeeeeee

Last Friday after work, Jeremy, Alan and i went for steamboat supper. Full max = fat max ahahhaa shioks!

back ache!!

2010-01-05T03:14:00.002+08:00

My back's super aching and i just have to keep grumbling because it hurts so badddddd. The last time it was this pain was when i strain it after too much dance classes and the strain lasted me for 6 months. I havent dance for like 2 years and i dont know how this ache came about but its so freaking hurt i wanna cryyyyyyyy, not.

I welcomed the first three days of 2010 playing mahjong. Seriously man, quite ridiculous!! But winning money made me sooooooo happy i woke up just in time to treat my parents for seafood dinner at Jumbo East Coast (opened by dad's friend). yumyumyum

im so pissed because i cannot fing gossip girl episode 13 for the past 2 weeks. what happened?!?! can someone please be so nice to paste me the link??

welcoming twentyten

2010-01-01T16:52:00.003+08:00

Im staying very positive that 2010 is gonna be a good year because that's what i want it to be. Though i brought my insomnia and super ultra back ache into the start of the year, i think its still gonna be fine. Fingers crossed!

Ushered in the new year with a countdown party at Boon's - couple style. So you can imagine, i wasnt really mingling much because i went alone. But i wouldnt say its not fun cos i got to meet a couple new people and exchanged really great conversations. I met this professional ballet dancer and saw her dance pieces, it was so awesome, it instantly brought back all my past memories of dancing. Think i might wanna go take up adult classes hehe!

So im kicking off 2010 with overnight mahjong with the usual mj kakis tonight, how about you?

2009-12-29T05:29:00.002+08:00

Feeling down ...

My life is such a bore, there's so many things i wanna do but im not doing anything other than sleeping. Everytime when i tell myself that i should not waste so many hours of my time bumming and do something constructive, the next moment i feel myself crumbling down because i dont wanna do anything alone.

Miss the times when i could spend my day/night with someone i wanna spend the rest of my days with in cuddles and randomness but there's nobody there and i will start thinking of the past because only in the past could i feel him.

But what has passed has passed and i need to move on but its so hard to move alone because ive been alone for so long and im starting to feel the fear. I dont wanna be alone no more.

I wish i could do something about my life, but i just cant do it on my own.

Its gonna be 2010 soon !

2009-12-28T01:50:00.003+08:00

Merry Christmas !! Hope everyone had a good break, im on super long weekend this week. yayness! starting work only on Wed for 2 days before another long weekend. Shioks max yo!

Anyway, Christmas this year was very normal, nothing way out of the norm but aint complaining cos i think im getting too old to party already!

Received a very surprised christmas present from James and its sitting nicely on my ear lobes now and best thing? No infection! I havent wore earrings for damn long cos it always give me infection even when i wear silver. White gold rocks your socks!

Been to two weddings in December and eating way too much cos there's always empty seats at the table im placed so you can imagine me eating twice as much.

I wanna go for carousel buffett and i have this bad craving for crab and ice cream. Food hunt anyone?

Last but not least, have a great new year peeps. Im so looking forward to 2010 because i realised i was living in my own lost world 3/4 this year and it seriously sucks cos i dont even know what had been going on.

So 2010 is gonna be ooomphshiokadoodoo

Congratulations, i wish you love and happiness.

2009-12-13T20:11:00.003+08:00

Today's your big day .. and i dont even know how i should be feeling.

As cliche as it sounds, but yes, cant imagine this is happening to me.
"The man i love is marrying someone today, but the bride isnt me"

2009-12-12T15:46:00.002+08:00

As you might have all already know, im such an emo freak and i am no longer bothered to update this space because everything that's happening around me sucks and i dont wanna remember those sucky moment so i rather not blog. I hope God stop torturing me this way and make my life more fulfilling and happier so i can fill you in with all the fancy moments i have day to day.

So till then .............

2009-11-18T04:50:00.002+08:00

You asked me 4 times yesterday and twice today why it seems like i dont wanna talk to you anymore.. I lied that its not true, but it is true.

I realised the mistake im making, the same mistake i made, a grave mistake. And i dont wanna continue, or worst, sink into it and make it a mistake that might be irreversible in time to come.

I dont wanna be caught in that kinda situation again, cos it really hurts. Its so painful i bet you can never imagine how bad it could be.

Its not easy for me to pretend i dont care or dont wanna talk to you like how i used to, because it somehow amazingly became a routine, but yet i dont wanna end up with the same outcome of my foolishness. I dare not try..

im sorry i lied- twice.

My msn nick, was meant for you.

2009-11-16T02:03:00.003+08:00

I really dont like how im feeling right now. Its that kinda feeling which i felt every weekend one year ago where i just wait and wait for something to happen. I dont like it.. i really hate it because its making me recall every single detail of the break up and crazy days. I wanna forget all about it, all about the unhappy moments i had and i dont ever wanna go through it again. Somehow someway im feeling it right now and i dont know why! Dont tell me, i have fallen for you cos it cant be.. i wouldnt let it happen ...

Im home the entire weekend, only to realise you'll never be around to talk to me like how you used to ..

Welcome home my friends from downunder .. i want my tim tams!

Once bitten twice shy... or so they say ..

2009-11-15T19:28:00.003+08:00

Apologies accepted - lets call it an end.

I felt the pains when i saw that text coming in from you. It felt exactly the same as my previous one and i didnt like that feeling one bit. You probably didnt do it on purpose, but i dont wanna be remembered of the past which ive been trying so hard to forget.

Dont wanna be in the same situation once more, im gonna walk away and keep my distance.

I may have been trying to avoid all these while, may have been trying to deny. I dont know if it was because of that sms which made me realised i was in denial or was it only because it was something so familiar.

You have been missed, and ive decided to give it a miss.

Happy days

2009-10-18T03:24:00.003+08:00

Touch up my eyelashes, had a hair cut and went to JB for dinner. Finally my Saturday is not THAT routine!

Chatting with a friend i thought i lost now on MSN, makes me smile smile smile =)))

And i find myself smiling to myself pretty often recently, especially when i got home seeing offline messages on my MSN. hehe

Getting a new phone tomorrow! Still cant decide between N97 or Blackberry Bold.

Gonna do soft rebonding and probably a hair dye soon.

Probably get my nails done soon too.

Maybe i should go laser my tattoo away.. been procrastinating for the longest time! 7 years.. omg

Finally managed to talk to him like normal now. Im glad, very glad =)

Waiting for Michelle to come back from Japan cos she's helping me get a Agnes B bag. Speaking of which, i havent bought any expensive stuffs this year except for a pair of Gucci shades and CK heels. Im so proud of myself!!

Rewarding myself with a Agnes B bad should be quite ok right? Though im super tempted to get the Chanel double C classic................

and today i saw the Loewe Amazona i've been thinking of getting (which i got the Napa Mundo instead). Fell in love with it AGAIN. dang

Okays time to sleep!

Will you stay if i asked you to? sweet.

2009-10-06T03:29:00.002+08:00

Dont blame me for the things ive done or how things ended up looking, blame yourself for the things you did or did not do that cause the current ugly look.

I knew it will all end up this way so i had tried all my best to refrain this from happening, but you persisted on being this selfish and self-centred so continue to being yourself.

Dont drag me into your second season cos im climbing outta here.

Is it bedtime yet?

2009-10-05T03:39:00.002+08:00

Yeap, so i did eyelash extension and i kinda like it though i did rub a few strands off my eye. But i like it that i dont have to put on any make up on lazy days and could just leave the house as soon as i came out from the showers! And on tiring nights when i return home, all i need to do is give my face a quick wash and go to bed. yayyyyyy

ANDdddddddddd best thing of all? My friends and colleagues are tempted to do it too! hehe

Okay so i am officially out of CS and trust me when i say i left with a really heavy heart. Receiving calls and emails from people around the firm and the world makes it harder for me to move on. My big boss Stuart also gave a very heartwarming speech about me and it makes me even more upset that all the efforts ive made to build this career path has to end and its not even my fault.

But you know what? Im gonna make history happen, at Barclays (which i am starting work really soon) so i foresee lotsa OT and stress = more pimples on my already very pimpled face.

No seriously, all my friends who saw me recently had given 2 comments. 1) What happened to your face?! and 2) I think you put on weight.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate cleaning!

2009-09-30T02:16:00.003+08:00

I was on leave on Monday so i cleaned up my room and packed my wardrobe throwing away tons of clothes i havent worn a long time though some i had to think twice but decided to just throw it as well to make space for new clothes but after packing all the wanted ones back i realised there still wasnt much space. wth

And i really hate cleaning cos my nose is ultra sensitive to dust so i wore a face mask while cleaning my accessories table but i still got a really bad flu after that.

Then i cooked dinner for my bro and i and washed up after that before i lie in bed all day watching television and feeling really worn out and sick. Before i knew it, i had a fever last night and i couldnt breathe properly. I woke up twice to get water cos my throat was so dry it felt like it was gonna be torn into pieces.

Decided to stay home today because i was feeling weak and i woke up with a mega backache and slept and slept before cooking dinner and wash up the dishes.

I havent done so much housework in a long long while and i still hate it very much. Must have fallen sick because of doing them !! Im still having the occasional sneeze and my throat seems to start to hurt and the dizzy spells as usual plus the extremely bad backache now.

arghhhhhhhhhhh must be the haze! 3 more working days till i leave CS ...

Insomnia, again !

2009-09-26T04:39:00.002+08:00

I cant get to sleep, and it annoys me big time. Been having hard time trying to fall asleep before 6am every day and end result, i cant seem to wake up in time for work!

Speaking of which, 4 more working days before im officially out of CS. Its so fast! I cant say its sudden, because i expected this since May. But just a blink of eye, 5 months have passed and im leaving...

Im sulking everyday because my complexion has turn for the worst, it was bad to begin with and its worsen now, gosh, when can this break out ever stop! Its been so long already! Must learn to smile and laugh everyday and have no stress. Does that really work?

And im thinking of doing eyelash extension, but i kinda always rub my eye so i dont know if its a good move. Oh, i need a hair dye too cos my roots are disgusting, i havent dyed it since Feb! With my current hair length, i think its gonna cost a bomb! Anyone know of any good suggestions for not too expensive but trustable salon?

Ive been eating ALOT these days i feel sick and disgusted. Ive decided to have a crash diet next week and not eat for as long as i can bear (might not be too long really). Can i slim down 5kg pleaseeeeeeeee

Argh i cant sleep.. help !!

me is back !

2009-09-16T03:10:00.003+08:00

Heyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I wonder if anyone still read this space, been so long since i came in here!

Havent had really much to write recently.. 3/4 a year passed too quickly. Its almost October and looking back, i dont think ive done anything extraordinary to let time pass me by this quickly.

Everything's still pretty mundane while i search high and low for a new job. And thankfully (or not) i found something, very similar to what im doing in a place that's paying much higher but of cos, comes with a heavier workload i guess?

I ought to be really ecstatic that i manage to find a new job in the current employers' market, but honestly, im not really. Should i rejoice, or not?

My closer friends told me not to accept it, but i already tried to shun away twice and if God wants me to see him again, there's only so little i can do.

Gossip Girl season 3 was launched yesterday, my very season 2 is coming right up. (pun intended)

I hope everything will turn out well because i want 2010 to be totally different from 2009. Its really quite a sucky year, isnt it?

On a sidenote, i think im gonna book the air tix to Melb tomorrow and fly next week. Ive travelled to Perth alone early this year so im not that super excited about flying to Melb alone anymore. Its quite an impromptu one, but i wont be able to go on leave when i start my new job next month so i guess this short break would do good for a bit.

If only there was no deployment at my current job, i would have booked the tix to Sydney and fly there end of the year because Jetstar tix to Syd is only 200+ bucks !! Damn cheap !!

The thought of rebuilding my career path is quite a letdown, but i will work double hard to impress those who looked me down !! I am not Amberlina for nothing !!

Jiayou jiayou!

2009-08-17T02:43:00.001+08:00

Speaking to Eunice on MSN at this time and realised that i totally wasted 2 years of my prime on a man who obviously doesnt appreciate the things ive done.

2 years on one man - totally record breaking for Amby.

Well done!

I just wanna sleep !

2009-08-11T05:13:00.003+08:00

Its so annoying when i only slept for one hour and im feeling so awake at this unearthly hour. I really wanna get some rest, but i only managed to sleep for an hour and i got woken up, by nothing, and i cant fall back to sleep!

Its so weird, because .. i am such a sleep-er. I can sleep till dinner time every weekend and still wanna sleep even longer. Gosh ....... there's absolutely nothing to do at 5am in the morning except to sleep!!

Time flies, its August .. 3/4 a year is almost over and my life is still very messed up. Im starting to get a little afraid of what my future holds. What am i gonna do when Oct comes? I think ive wasted all my time this year, holding on to something which have no values at all.

August was beautiful in 2008, it was. This August, i wanna make a change. I wanna stop living in the August which passed 12 months ago. This relationship, lets call it an end. One year of many emotions turned me extra vulnerable. Looking back at my past pictures, i cant help but to feel that i am looking so..haggard and unhappy.

I think i looked prettier when i first started working, im looking so wan right now and every mornings when i look into the mirror, i heaved a loud sigh because i find myself so unattractive.

I should stop, living in my own deluded world. Stop indulging in gambles that is burning a big hole in my pocket. Stop smoking my life away and start to appreciate the little finest things in life.

Are you willing, to walk this path with me? ;)

2009-08-04T13:41:00.002+08:00

I wish i could tell you i miss you,
and i wish you would know how much i wanna talk to you.
But everytime i see you, i lost my courage to make conversations,
only because im afraid that they will turn out in serious accusations.
Im so afraid to talk to you, no matter how much i want to.
I hope one day you see this,
and you'll tell me "hey silly, there's nothing to worry about, lets be friends from scratch".
But i know it will never happen, because to you, im just a childish bitch.
Im sure you dont know how hard it is to pretend you never exist,
Because it seem so easy for you.
Its been a month, and my heart still aches the moment i thought about your reaction and things you said that night.
But if i could, i'll love to tell you .. i miss talking to you.

set me free .. i just wanna fly away

2009-08-02T01:22:00.003+08:00

I seriously think my life is meaningless. I wake up every mornings only to realise i have to live my day by pleasing everyone, against what i wanna do.

It is so tiring, and many times i feel like giving up. Giving up on my life, to just .. end it all. Im really, really tired of living.

I know it stupid, i know it myself. But when you have a life like mine, i think that's what you just wanna do too.

Please, juet let me go.

Let me be who i want, and do what i want, even if im wasting my life away. Drink, smoke, gamble, whichever.

Please, just leave me alone.

Dont include me in your conversations, in your gossips, in your spite list.

I just wanna be free, stop stressing me, stop pushing me.. my will power has its limitations, i can just feel that its gonna snap.

Stop, before i break apart. Just let me be.

its not gonna pump again

2009-07-15T13:53:00.005+08:00

The kind of pains i thought i had were never that painful until i realised how hurtful it can be when you aggrevate my wound which was in its healing process.

All the tears i cried from the past break ups and the leaving of all the different kind of guys i met, i thought i was sad. But i was wrong, i was never that upset. Because only until today, until now, i finally realised and felt how it really feels to be heartbroken and ... sad.

I bawled till my eyes turned soar, walked down the reservoir at 4am in the morning, weeping to myself, ignoring the presence of the strangers staring at me in the vicinity.

I've honestly, never cried that badly even when he left, ive never felt this painful. And if i remembered, it was difficult then, and now? Im numbed, quite numb.

My heart is dead, i cant think anymore, i dont wanna think anymore. Never been more disappointed, never been so shocked, never been shouted by him, never been maligned and accused, never been wronged. But now i am, and that really hurts, to the extent whereby i dont know how to talk to him anymore, im dont know how to communicate. Everything i said, will be delivered the wrong way, with the wrong tone.

First, he said we had to part due to XXX reasons, then he said we were too different, now, we cant even communicate properly.

Never been more tired, never been more grieved. I give up, i give up trying.

My heart ... is so painful, i cant even feel its pain anymore. I cant feel anything anymore, im so lost...

Its dead .. its not gonna pump again.

2009-07-14T03:06:00.003+08:00

B once told me i am a very impulsive and impatient person. I couldnt agree more.

J once told me that im someone who have to know everything and cannot keep an eye close on anything. I totally agree.

I know im rash, I dont think before i speak most of the times. Im just being straight forward, and i didnt realise being truthful was so wrong.

How many times have you been accused of something you didnt do?
How many times where you hurt and cheated by hyprocrites who loves pretending and slash you at your back?
How many times do you wish such people never exist?

These people are all around me, and i seriously hate them. I loathe them to the core.

And i always remember this saying "think about yourself before you criticise somebody else".

If i were to hate someone like this, i cant be who they are. So i tried, really hard, to be as honest and truthful.

And today, i realise being real is also wrong.

I dont know whats right or wrong anymore.

Being me, i hate to kept in the dark about things. Friends, play a very important and significant role in my life.

I treat my friends genuinely, i expect the same treatment from them.

But somehow, i dont get that treatment i thought friends should have.

If this is the case, i rather lose this friend.

I feel so silly, i feel so dumb. And im crying so bad now my tears just keep rolling.

All i wanted, was to be somebody. All i got, was being mistaken all over and over again. If this is already your bias view about me, that im sensitive, and crazy, no matter what i say or do, can never change your mindset.

So whats the point, whats the point of being friends any longer?

I really dont want such a day to come, but it seems like i cant help it anymore.

Today, lets not even be friends. Maybe its only best, for the both of us.

You broke my defence and wrecked me

2009-06-21T07:09:00.004+08:00

I thought you would stand out from the rest and be different, never did i thought you are just the same as any other, or maybe even worst. Maybe you do stand out, because no one had ever dared to do that to me.

I know the cruel truths about the world, the people who lies and pretends, who scams and cheats, the evil and the unscrupulous.

Even if Jay and i were a mistake, it was a sweet mistake because he never lies. When i said never, i dont really mean he never did, but things that he shouldnt lie, he wouldnt and he didnt. That's the reason why i was so in love with him.

But in the real world, all men are scums. All men except Jay would want to hurt me on purpose. Ive lost faith in this fighting game, i dont wanna play it anymore.

From now on, the only men i trust is Jay and BFF, please dont let me down .. Otherwise i think i'll really go berserk again and i dont wanna go through the same phase which ive gone twice. 5 years ago was a nightmare, 5 months ago was yet another nightmare.

Im glad i survived both. They say what didnt kill me makes me stronger. I think that that didnt apply on me.

Jay is now a close friend who i know will never lie to hurt me.

BFF is my most trustable and dependable person who knows every single thing about me. If one day he breaks my trust, i think i will just die.

I am such a bitch, i dont deserve anyone anymore.

May karma run to you like what it did to me.

2009-06-01T23:07:00.002+08:00

I am drinking Hoegaarden with two slices of garlic bread while i blog and watch telly at the same time in my greencomfyroom which was cockroachfied the other night. It was a fierce battle when that black ugly thing flew straight right at me while i was trying to kill it with insecticide which i managed to find after tearing almost half the house apart and whining non stop.

I dont really know what to say because a lot have been happening recently and im quite lazy to put them in sequence, neither do i really want to recall. In short, i had several birthday celebrations for my double2 a few weeks back with the girlsfriends for dins at Shin Kushiya + KTV, Zoo with the BFF, Adeline and BF, Dins at Jack's Place with Shalynand Zouk with my colleagues. I also drank a little too much than norm these days that i think my liver needs a little rest. Too many TGIF fun(s) with my team peeps but it was really fun.

My mum thinks im notorious for being an alcoholic, smoker and gambler. I beg to differ cos i seriously suck at drinking and i havent gambled for a long time (relaxed mj not included).

I feel quite upset recently when i walk around at shopping malls because whenever i see something i wanna buy, i usually just grab and go but now i find myself thinking twice before putting the item back on the shelf, u-turn and walk out the door feeling crestfallen. I havent entered the usual boutiques at TAKA for a while now because i know i'll just be even more upset when i do so i rather not.

Oh well ...

Looking on the bright side, at least now i had put everything behind me and soon i'll be able to start life afresh and even fresher next year if i finally decide to go to Aussie.

Boon's back from Perth a few days back and we met up the other guys and landed up at Icon. Im so sick of that place, seriously. I really hate it and i still dont like it.

My complexion is so bad lately i wish i could tear my skin off my face.

Okay, enough ranting i think im going to sleep .. soon.

2009-05-29T06:01:00.002+08:00

I'll always remember tonight, our sweet goodbye.
And i'll try to forget your existence, my sweet love.
All the last(s) will not be a say-thing anymore.
Thanks for all the good times, and bad.
I wont say i love you again

Goodbye my first ever true love ...

2009-05-14T01:48:00.001+08:00

You said tonight, but again, tonight is not the night.

Then again, im just being silly. I always am silly.

I shall just.. wait..and see ..

**warning. Image heavy post

2009-05-10T16:28:00.015+08:00

So last Saturday was a pretty awesome one because i woke up at 10am to bring my family out for lunch at Shangri-La, The Line in celebration of my parents' 27th anniversary as well as mummy's day. My parents are now in KL and Genting to celebrate mummy's day, and just the two of them. Which means i am home alone and its uber sianess.

First up, a series of retarded pictures featuring dear sis and I. We havent done this for a long time because we hardly see each other but whenever we do this there are bound to be a mountainful of pictures. Lame pictures.

There are a lot more but im so lazy to collate so here's just a few..

Mummy came in to join us, freaking act cute.

I heard so much raves about how awesome the buffet was so i was all hyped up and ready to sink my teeth into those succulent seafood and sashimi but i was a little disappointed because they are just very average and not that much of variety to choose from.

Or maybe its because its lunch. Maybe i'll try dinner one day to see if i get the same kind of disappointment.

And the desserts ..

And how can we ever forget, family photos ..

Well, at least i get to spend some time with my family. I think that's more important than the gourmet we're supposed to have.

I went back home for a short nap before Yong Xin picks me up for dinner at Esplanade, 7atenine.

I like the place, and the food was good. But i didnt eat a lot because i was still full from lunch so we had a quick bite before our main focus - CATS.

Its my first ever musical and no, i am not a very arty farty person so at some parts of the play i dont quite get what they were singing but i like it overall and i think its pretty good. I love their dancing especially the magical cat's and it kinda made me think of how i used to dance and very sadly, i dont think i can dance as well now.

I met up the Loyangs at Icon later that night together with Wayne and all and i got tipsy really quickly so i went home on my own after 3 hours or so. I still kinda hate that place.

I took damn long to get this post done. Zm should be here any minute to pick me up and we're heading to the flyer tonight! Dins after that. yayyyyyyyyy

i need a sugar daddy

2009-05-07T04:58:00.003+08:00

I wanted to do a post about how my Saturday was spent but i didnt really have the mood to and being an extreme procrastinator, i think i'll do it when life is back on track.

Its not exactly off track, but the time to start thinking about my career path and future plans have finally arrived. Ive been secretly hoping this day never exist because i love being in this company, i love my boss, i love my team, i love the people im liaising with, okay maybe some, but i just love my job. I know it sounds weird, cos im always whining about how bored i am at work but i guess its true, you'll never appreciate something until you lose it.

Sidenote: I havent exactly lost my job. well, not yet.

I was very enthusiastic at this cross section where i need to think about my next step, until having a pretty long chat, i kinda feel very demoralised and a little upset. I dont really wanna go in detail about my thoughts, but the fact that you're so enthusiastic about something but somehow, something is not enthusiastic about it, sucks pretty much.

You know what im saying? I think what i said just doesnt make sense but i dont know how else is the best way to put it without letting anyone know what im trying to say.

I did a little bit of calculations and realised, money is a bitch.

I really hate to plan, because nothing i planned ever happens. So why plan? Just let it happen, when it happens. But me, being me, cannot just sit back and let it happen, so i keep trying to make it happen the way i plan it to be but in reality, life doesnt always go the way you want it. So seriously, why plan?

Like i planned to go BKK in May but they had to start rioting though its ok now but i totally dont feel like going anymore so we changed the location to HK which is not safe because of H1N1 so seriously, planning sucks.

I just need to get away, go on a holiday and relaxxxxxx............. but i think im going to stop my holiday craze, stop shopping (no more LVs and Loewe this year, there goes my planned Chanel and Rolex), save save save and save for something that something is not enthusiastic about. pffftt

I am really tired right now, so i might not make any sense and i had a really bad day today so i just feel like going on and on ranting about anything and everything.

Have i already mentioned i hate growing up? Gawd, im only 22 .. why am i going through things like that... its not time for me to go through what i am going through yet. 22 is the age to play, have fun, do crazy things, make mistakes and learn from them to be wiser, and play, have fun, do crazy things and ya, play. But here i am, fretting about every other things. Uber annoying.

And i also learnt that you can never be too nice to people. They take you for granted, bite you back like a dog, totally unappreciative of what you've done as if you owed them and it was something you should do for them. Seriously, wtf?! It doesnt pay to be kind, i totally learnt my lesson.

Its 5.30am and i planned to sleep at 4. See how i always say that planning doesnt work? Fck plans, really.

leave,leaving, left

2009-05-01T04:59:00.004+08:00

I dont really want to see you walk away and never come back.
And i dont really want to bid you goodbye with all the farewell chats.
I dont really want to stare at that empty space knowing that the once so familiar figure has left.

I think i might want to just skip a day, that very day,
and wake up a few mornings later to realise you're no longer there.
Maybe only that way, you havent really left.
But just missing, missing from that angle i always peak at.

I wish you all the best.

what needs to part, will part, clean.

ps: I miss Ade although we just had a 15 mins chat.
pps: Wolverine was a little disappointing.
ppps: I ought to feel extremely tired but i cant seem to want to sleep.
pppps: My pimples have been attacking me since 2 months ago and they dont seem to ever wanna stop.

Tomorrow will be a better day and Saturday would be even better.

Toughen up Ladies!

2009-04-30T02:31:00.005+08:00

It is very heartwarming when i receive text messages or msn messages from friends i havent heard for a long time, telling me how much they love reading my posts because they could relate to them and somehow start thinking about themselves or find an answer to their doubts. And its really nice when they say my posts make so much sense all the time. Thank you!

I am not a writer, i cannot write for nuts. My language sucks, my grammer stinks, my spelling is atrocious and my vocab is limited. I write how i feel, because im a thinker (tsk taurians) and i usually think i dont make sense but knowing that people could have so much feelings towards my posts, made me realised that life really aint that bad after all, cos im not alone.

Last Saturday, Zm, Lina and I had dins at Popeyes. Yes its me - i admit, ive never eaten at Popeyes and im totally in love with their fries. It like..dope.

T3 was so packed and the queue was so long, but we managed to get a seat in just 5 mins of standing beside a very potential table. I kind of really hate that if im the person sitting there and eating my food. The last thing i want is to have multiple pairs of eyes staring at me or my table and chanting in their heart "faster eat and leave faster eat and leave". Its totally annoying but when it comes to me being hungry and craving for fried chicken, i ended up being the one who's chanting "faster eat leh".

The 3 of us, ate like there were 4 and we left T3 with a very bloated stomach to pick Yong Xin up and head down west for mj at Zm's. I havent seen Lina for awhile and its really very enjoyable whenever we meet up cos well, being Lina, there's no way you cannot stop laughing or having lame chats. You cant really even keep quiet for 5 minutes because there is just no peace.

And no, its not a bad thing. Lina is amazing. HAHA. Even people like me, who hardly talk much cannot escape from not opening my golden mouth because i just had to. We would yack and yack all the way and all the way till 5am while playing mj, we never had 5 mins of silence.

Took a drive for supper before i drove Zm's car back to the East and by the time i got home it was almost 7am. Just in time to hear the birds give my parents their wake up call.

Was planning to pick Zm up because i need to return him his car on Sunday evening and then go for movies but just as i drove out of my condo, the tyre punctured and i instantly went into the panic attack mode. Luckily KC and his dad came to aid. Zm was on his way down to my place when the car was ready so we met in town straight. Its quite retarded to drive 2 cars to town just to watch a movie together, please, dont do that again. It was such a bore driving alone.

17 Again was a fabulous movie. I love it. I think its so meaningful, not to forget hilarious. And i cannot wait for Wolverine and Angels & Demons.

I havent typed so much of what ive been doing for a long time, no idea why i am doing it now, but yeah, goodnight.

Oh yes, i was wikipedia-ing when i realised Gossip Girl has the book series. 12 books to be exact and i never knew that! The storyline is kinda different and i think i like the TV series better. Can you imagine Chuck Bass being a bisexual?!?! Eeeeelllll........

what makes you calm?

2009-04-24T02:54:00.005+08:00

I enjoy quiet moments, but i dont like the idea of being alone. Its like, sometimes i enjoy just stoning by the sea and feeling the breeze with a friend next to me but yet not talk to each other. I dont know if any of you enjoy moments like that, but i do. I know it sounds weird so i dont do that often because it might just bore the other person totally but if you happen to be just like me, call me anytme, to enjoy that tranquility.

And sometimes i feel that i have a lot of penned up thoughts inside me and i need to let it all out but yet when im face to face with somebody who's willing to hear me whine, i just lost it. Its like, theres so many things i wanna say but yet i dont wanna say it anymore.

So whenever i meet Zm, sometimes, or most of the times he'll say "i know you got a lot of things bottling up, dont think you dont wanna talk means i dont know you're not troubled. Anything must say out cannot keep it to yourself ok?"

Hate it when i try to pretend everythings perfect but he have to spoil it all by reminding me its all imperfect. Then again, i always snap right at him when he's trying to pretend too and most of the time i just 'poke' it too much its totally not pleasing to the ears. But I totally love being so straightforward. So i think we're quits.

I like honesty, am totally against hyprocrisy. Its very obvious if i like you or not cos it just shows. I like to hear the truth too, not things that sounds nice. They say a white lie is not a total lie but i think that's bullshit because it is still a lie. But then, everytime i hear the truth, bad truth, i hope i never knew about it and sometimes to the extent whereby i rather hear a misleading lie. Its like, a nice lie gives me hope and the truth just kills it all.

So now you see, how contradicting i am. I find it really difficult to understand myself and i dont like it. They always tell me to stop thinking too indepth, but i cant resist but to keep thinking and its so tiring. Its bad enough that i think so much, its worst when my thoughts are always contradicting. Its like i never really know what i want, who i want to be, what i want to do, where i wanna be.

Im scared of myself sometimes because i dont know who i really am or what my personality is really like. Im like living in this world of too many facades, my very own facade. And im tired..so tired of finding out where i actually belong.

Im really tired .. so tired .... too tired ......

2009-04-21T02:28:00.002+08:00

I am so tired

I've been having really bad migraines these days and its so bad that i always feel like throwing up. Then again, i always feel like throwing up.

I lost my will power again. Ive been very stoned recently, nothing to look forward to, nothing to rejoice about. I cant really feel because i am so numb. I dont know whats going on because technically, nothing is going on, but i just cant feel myself. I cant feel my soul.

Everything's been very stagnant, very routine, very quiet. Probably Meiting is right, she needs to bring me out and have some fun.

I havent gone crazy, as in crazily wild and happy and high for a long long time. Then again i am quite reluctant to go to that extent of craziness cos its..tiring. I sound like im ageing. Gosh, all i wanna do is snuggle under the comforter on the bed and watch some dvds with someone special right next to me giving me the warmth i need - internal and externally.

Have i already mentioned that i am really tired?

Goodnight world

They say the future and outcome is obvious, i say you are oblivious.

2009-04-11T18:32:00.003+08:00

I have been engaged in several conversations these days revolving about identical topic and its tiring me out to have the thought of it lingering in my very messed up mind.

Question - if you like a person, but somehow you know nothing's gonna work out, there gonna be no future, or its difficult to have one, what do you do?

Do you just, give up? Or do you put in your all before giving up? Either way, its not easy, but whats the best resolution to give you a piece of mind after your ultimate decision and never, never ever look back and regret?

Im up for putting in every ounce of effort, even if its wrong, and try to make it work. If ultimately you fail, at least you know you've tried and there is no regrets.

I made a mistake 8 months ago, a mistake i knew right from the start but i didnt stop making the mistake because i knew i had to try. I was proven right, because there really wasnt any future, it made my life a turmoil but im growing and learning to get out of it. If you ask me now, whether i would make the same decision, i say yes - even without having a second thoughts. Yes, i'll still make the same decision i made and i've never regretted, never regretted going through all that happened. I lost ultimately, but i lost knowing that its a confirm lost, not a 'maybe'.

I used to tell my girlfriends who asked me why i am not in a relationship that i dont wanna be one until im sure he's gonna be my last boyfriend cos i dont wanna waste time in anymore relationships that will somehow end. Then they challenged me by saying "how would you know if he's gonna be the one if you never try?"

So i started trying. shit happens, but i dont wanna go in depth with that.

Some people, they dont even wanna try because they think the outcome is obvious - that nothing is gonna come out of it. These people, used to be like me. But not anymore.

Its like .. teenage pregnancy.

You are young, you have no income, no career, no nothing but a baby. You are scared, you know its not time, you know you are not ready and bringing the baby out to the world is like indirectly killing it, because you think you're bringing the baby out to suffer so its better for abortion. You think since you're young, you can always have another baby when you're older, when you're ready. But its totally not the point, the point is abortion killed a life! Yes you'll probably have another baby, but that's another baby, not the same baby!

I am so totally against abortion. Totally.

Okay, back on the tangent, you think delivering the baby is making the baby suffer. That's only what you think, isnt it? I say, deliver the baby, at least you give it a chance, at least you know you will try to put in efforts to give the baby a cosy home. It may, or may not suffer, who knows? Life might just turn out to be be perfectly well when the baby's born.

Its like a 50-50% chance. The baby suffers, or the baby dont. Aborting it is a 100% chance that the baby suffers, cos you just killed your own kid.

Your life may be changed, but so what? Everything changes. You give up something for something, make sure its all worthed it.

You give up your youth to be a responsible person, responsible mother, giving somebody a chance to live - totally worth it.

You give up your time to try to be in a relationship with the right guy - worthy.

I always put in 100% effort in something i want though i know its gonna be tough. Because only that way i cannot blame myself for not trying, or have the constant question in my mind "if i tried the other time, maybe things would be different".

I am starting to hate the word 'maybe'. Maybe, just maybe we should all start to live without having maybe(s) by trying and have an affirmed confirmation and never regret.

Just my 2cents worth.

just a little something to think about

2009-04-07T15:12:00.002+08:00

You know how persuasive people can be? And people like me, who cannot stand firm enough always tend to fall into their trap. One mistake i made in my previous relationship, was to be too believing. But only too believing in the wrong way.

People that met *us even for the first time always commented that we were one very compatiable couple and we should be together even when nobody knew we were an item. I still remembered this lady who saw us only the second time telling me "he is a very nice guy, and i can see he treats you really well, you two should be together. Trust me, ive seen so many people in my life, and im never wrong about them. You two make a great pair." I told her that it was impossible between *us but she insisted i be with him if such a chance came by. She ended off saying "it doesnt matter whether a man is rich or not, as long as you think he is the one, you should just be with him and stand by him."

And i got swayed by emotions, but that's not the point of today's post.

Actually, there wasnt any point in today's post.

But anyway, i always remembered what she said, the part where it doesnt matter if the guy is rich or poor. If two people have many things in common, if two people have feelings for each other, that has probably be the most important. I never really fancied any rich man, i dont think ive dated any rich people either. I dont aspire to be a tai-tai like most girls because i cannot stand that kind of boredom and risk my husband next time to be anywhere but home with his numerous mistresses.

I dont want a rich man, but i would want a man who can make it rich. So it doesnt matter if he is poor, because i know one day he is gonna make it big.

I wouldnt have been in my previous relationship, if not for so many people who kept telling me *we make a great pair, and if i didnt feel so comfortable as friends that i would want to tell him every single thing about me. My history, my past, my family, my friends, my present, my future, my life, my feelings, my thoughts, my secrets, my scares, my goals, my dreams, myself.

Is that how you realised you're in love with somebody? When i just got to know him, i amazingly told him my darkest secret. A secret i never want to be reminded about, something i never want anyone to find out about. But i told him. I didnt know why, but later i realised, it was because i want him to know everything about me. I want to share my life with him. I want him to be part of me, part of my life. And since then, i've never hid anything from him. When im upset, i'll tell him why im not happy. When im angry with him, i tell him straight in the face what he did to anger me. Ive never been like that in my past relationships.

In the past, whenever the guy disappoints me or make me upset, i'll confide in my friends and they'll cheer me up or try to explain why would a guy do what he did. But i never knew if what they said were true, because ive never brought it up to my ex for confirmation.

But in my last relationship, i never have to wonder because most of the time we'll come clean with each other. Maybe he still hides things from me, but i am always so honest. Always.

Okay, point is .. if you like someone, you would want that someone to know everything about you, no?

Like.. every single minor detail of what's happening in your life, he/she would be the first person you wanna share it with. no?

If you're feeling upset..cos of various stuffs, be it personal or general, you would want to share it with that person..no?

If you're angry or frustrated, you would want to let him/her know whats causing the wrath in you, no?

And you'll always be honest and truthful ... no?

Maybe that's when you will only realise how important he/she is to you. If there ever is a need to hide or to lie, then maybe its time to reconsider.

I no longer want to share my life with him, i no longer tell him how im feeling, i no longer tell him what's going on in my world by the seconds. Im glad i no longer feel that way.

Case closed.

2009-04-05T17:42:00.002+08:00

Yesterday i went on a shopping spree on facial products and they threw in lotsa free gifts and samples!

I came back from Genting with the BBCs last week winning enough money to cover a trip to Bkk with my sister in May!

Ive been playing poker with the Loyangs and winning money too! (Thanks Joel for sponsoring my Issey Miyake!)

Ive made a very important decision today and my BFF and i are gonna go celebrate it!

I am going to watch CATS with Yongxin in May!

My BFF is bringing me to sit on Singapore Flyer and visit the Zoo in May too!

My birthday is coming in May!

May is coming! I am soooooooooo looking forward!!

i should have just gone to bed

2009-04-01T04:40:00.003+08:00

Ive never once cried ever since i got back from Perth but now i am. Ive been acting strong for so long but i didnt expect myself to fall again. Fcking emo days are returning, i need to make a trip down to my doctor soon.

I guess, a part of me still aint accepting the true truth. And that part of me is like some bad cancerous cells trying to spread and kill all the good healthy cells. Im so not gonna let that happen because i know im stronger than that.

When you said you're happy, i hope you really mean you're happy. And of cos, why should i even have any suspicion? Silly me, of course you would be happy. It is supposed to be a joyous thing. Why do i even try to wish i still have a tiny space at the corner of your heart, your mind and your life?

Oh silly me ..

ps: must have been one of those days. tomorrow will be different, i promise!

2009-03-26T12:56:00.001+08:00

I might have been wrong, but why do i keep thinking im right? I dont wanna be right this time, please let me be wrong.

Prove me wrong.

Tell me im wrong.

I hate this ...

Keep on going .. lying to me ..

2009-03-20T14:15:00.002+08:00

You know how silly i am when..

i obviously know the truth but yet try to pretend i am that stupid and dumb.
i am still trying to believe and trust.
i couldnt stop thinking of everything that relates to you, be it memories or pictures, texts or emails.
i am still finding excuses for your lies.

And being silly, i actually gave you another chance, to forgive and forget, gave you another chance so you can lie to me, and hurt me all over again. I am so silly, aint i ?

And the silliest? I am so willing. My old self would probably killed myself. I think Adeline wants to kill me too. If i have told Eunice all that happened, i think she will wanna kill me as well. Probably Tess would wanna kill me too. I so ought to be dead right now.

I hope he's you ..

Well anyway, go to hell, Josef Fritzl.

I blame myself ..

2009-03-14T15:42:00.004+08:00

I made a mistake. I did something wrong. I did something my girlfriends knew i would never, but i did it and i still cant get over the fact that i made this mistake.

I found out something from Zm yesterday, their perception of me back in Secondary School. I didnt use to care what people bitched about me, because i know its not true. My girlfriends know they are not true, me myself know its not true and its enough. But somehow, i still got a little affected because if i didnt portray myself like that, why would people say such things about me?

Never judge a book by its cover. Hmm...i probably need to do some self-reflections as well.

For the last time, i am not a wild child, im not someone who can play along. If your intentions to get near me was because you think the same way as all the others, i beg you to be so kind and do me a great favour by taking a step back and leave me alone already.

Ive been showing too much of my vulnerable moments lately, revealing too much truths about myself, my weak self. I think its time i stop. Its time i let everyone know i am that strong person that nobody can bring down. That ice queen Amby that initimidates, that nobody can get close to.

Because i was weak, i let my guard down only to let you come in to destroy it. Im rebuilding my barrier, my defence and im not gonna let anyone in my comfort zone anymore. Im not gonna be caught off guard and let people like you destroy me, ever again.

Im that barbecued marshmellow, that happy bunny.

I made a mistake, and i cant get over it. Lesson learnt, but through the hard way. Maybe, looking on the bright side, like what Zm said..at least my suicidal thoughts ceased.

Zm.. i hope you're gonna be happy from now..if you ever dare to put me off your priority list, i will burn your car. (i know where you stay although its damn far hahahhaha)

Amby.. take a deep long breath and continue your journey. Be the Amby everyone used to know, not the Amby everyone gets worried about.

14th of March ... doesnt signify anything anymore.

I wish i could tell you imu but its just gonna make myself look and sound so stupid..im just right here.. right here waiting for your return..

2009-03-12T04:25:00.002+08:00

My life is in the dumps, again. Yes, i know i know, its like..since when its not, isnt it? Honestly, im quite tired of repeating myself that i am forever in a very depressed state. But hey, this means i will cherish every happy occasions and not take it for granted. Doesnt sound that bad after all hmm?

For some reasons, my head is always filled with questions with no answers. Im actually quite sick of meeting the wrong guy all the time. Must have been something i did in the past, karma is eating into me. uh huh.. what goes around comes around .. But i think i had enough karma and it should probably just stop already..

You know, i have absolutely no idea what God is trying to do or tell me. No offence, but...seriously what the fuck?!

For two consecutive days, 2 men i knew since a few years back but hardly contact, out of the blue, very randomly told me they used to like me and wanted to go after me. I was of course, taken back, because i never knew that they were ever interested in me? In the first place, we hardly contact and we hardly ever met.

And i dont know why the sudden "confession", coincidentally or not, but extremely random because one of them is attached and the other, is getting married!

Is God trying to say something here? Or do something? Like..what the hell does he want from me? Havent i gotten enough shit already?!

Almost married man : "I would have gone after you when i met you"
Me: "You might have save me from meeting those things they call jerks"

No seriously, what's the purpose of telling me things like that? Would it even change anything?

Enough of men who are getting married, enough of men who are already attached. Enough of crap like these, why dont everyone and everything just leave me alone and stop giving me problems already.

Maybe, i am the problem myself.

2009-03-08T16:09:00.003+08:00

My life is like a maze, and ive been going the wrong way all the time.

I thought its just gonna get better but you just made it worst. Just when i thought everything's gonna be ok, you just put an end to it.

Thanks..but no thanks for trying.

When the future starts to drift and become bleak, the past returns and haunt you like before.

My world is crashing down but i am so gonna pretend i am ok.

Pretending will be my new forte.

He's just not that into you

2009-03-05T04:41:00.002+08:00

I caught the movie at Perth with 4 men. Shane said they were forced to watch a chic flick. I beg to differ. The movie wasnt awesome, but it did manage to bring across some messages.

"Maybe the happy ending is just..moving on (:"

I just finished reading the book given by the 4 men shortly after the movie. My thoughts? Perplexed. I kinda wish i didnt watch the movie, nor read the book. At least this way, i think i could still come up with many reasons and excuses for men who i thought but were actually not into me.

Its so hard to face the truth sometimes, and wouldnt it be better or easier if we never knew such cruel truths about what men actually feel and think from their words and actions? At least when i try to think of excuses for them, i feel hopeful. But now that i know the painful truth of men, i cant even hope.

Then again, im glad i finally realised, he wasnt that into me after all. How dumb was i when he had made it so obvious right from the start and yet i didnt realise he just wasnt that into me.

And the worst thing of all? I never learnt from mistakes i made. Silly aint i ?

He really wasnt that into me and i should just walk away. Does it really have to be this way? Yes! Cos the book says so.

I've never met a guy who feels like a male version of myself but so what? He's just not that into me, after all.

Move on ..

2009-02-24T04:13:00.002+08:00

Back to work Day 1 was busy to the brim but always time for some smses.

Had an answer to my question, wondering if its gonna be good.. or just words that sound nicer.

Taurians, never quite a player - i hope.

Happy days are coming!!

2009-02-21T23:19:00.002+08:00

I can totally feeeeeeeeel it.

Realised a change in my post title? Yes! Totally over with the counting of days im trying to move on.

Back from Perth .. it was fantastic! Twist of events, things happened at the least expected but totally loveeeeeeeeeeee it.

I am missing Perth and all my friends made over there already .. and of cos .. *ahemahem

The past 8 days had been so shiok .. i really dont wanna come back to Sg..

I left 2 things in Perth which i forgot to bring it back with me..

First, my troubles. And second, my heart.

I brought back nice sweet wonderful memories and i just wanna make it even sweeter and nicer ..

Not gonna elaborate any further but i can pretty much say, im back to my old happy self. Maybe not totally yet, but so much better than before.

xoxo

Moving on - Day 11

2009-02-14T05:50:00.002+08:00

and ive been struggling so hard to live past these few days .. it was quite an emotional challange. I cant say i totally won over with my head over heart theory, because i know i failed at some time of the day, or rather, night, but i think i still survived a little.

Leaving to Perth in a few hours time ..

Happy Valentine's Day ..

Moving on - Day 8

2009-02-11T03:57:00.002+08:00

and i still find myself crying to sleep.

Its so tiring.. to smile and pretend to be happy in front of everyone. Im quite tired of this pretence.

I hate pretends and hyprocrisy. I hate to lie. I hate lying to myself and people around me. But this lie makes the world goes round, this lie makes it a better place for everyone. But only for everyone else except me.

People say, dont live for others but yourself. Why do i always find myself putting other people before me?

I look at myself in the mirror every day and i feel so sad for myself. "This girl needs help, she's still not facing it, she's only running", I felt.

I am not a very independent person, i admit. I dont like to do things alone.

I ever tried having lunch alone, kinda sucky. I even tried catching a movie alone at the busiest time of the day. I am pretty proud of my 'achievements'.

Whats next? Im flying to Perth alone this Valentines'. Mixed feelings - a little excited, a little scared.

I dont really wanna go, but yet i kinda wanna go. I dont know how you call it, but its a very perplexed feeling.

Perth may be a very boring place, nothing much to do, nothing much to see. You think i dont know? But why am i going? I just need to get out of here, i need to go somewhere else for a little breather. If i have a choice, i wouldnt want to spend a week at Perth doing nothing, but because i dont exactly have a choice and before i really go insane, maybe going away is the optimal choice.

Im so tired .. so tired of being everything else but me.

Moving on - Day 4

2009-02-07T08:16:00.002+08:00

I survived.

With puffy eyes and more fragments of my broken heart, i survived today.

Too many things happened this week. Blow after blow.

It was tough, but still, i survived.

I kept saying that i want to move on, but deep down my heart i know im not ready.

Dont think i have any other options. Whether i like it or not, i have to reach the finishing line.

The race started with 2 individuals, but now im left with only myself to end it. Couldnt get over the fact that why a mistake made by two have to end up facing all burdens and consequences by one.

But forget it, no point arguing, no point splitting this heartache anymore. Its just me..gotta accept the fact that its just me..to endure all these pains and face the consequence.

I hope you're happy now, you better be happy.

Moving on - Day 1

2009-02-04T02:24:00.004+08:00

I survived today.

It was hard to bear, need i say more?

I pissed him off, unwillingly. Its probably better that he hates me so i can in turn hate him back, might be easier for me. But would i ever hate him? I doubt.

Got home with an email from mum, adding on to my frustrations. It just keeps coming, it doesnt stop, does it?

I cant feel myself today, like a souless self trying to find my way. And to add on to my miseries and pains, he had to tell me stuffs that i already know but couldnt help but to show.

He thinks he knows how pain it is, i bet he doesnt know how pain it actually is.

Day 1 was a terrible start.. God , how am i going to continue my days as it will only get harder.

I dont dare to think ahead, i dont dare to look forward, im too afraid.

Because this time round i cannot fail, and i have only myself to make it a success.

I was kicked to a corner on a mission of the almost impossible. Not that strong..

All i wanted was a helping hand, but all i got was a further kick.

Day 1 .. i survived.

Tomorrow, will be a tougher challange.

I am not looking forward, not at all.

Happiness is just but another word

2009-02-03T05:44:00.003+08:00

I hope you're happy now, with one frustration off your mind.
I hope you're happy now, that i finally agreed to your terms.
I hope you're happy now, to achieve your ultimate goal.
I hope you're happy now, to see me in such pains.

I hope you're happy that you've got what you wanted, at the expense of losing my sane.

And if you ask me if these are all worthed it? I say yes, cos i love you, and i want you to be happy, ultimately.

I wish you're truly happy.

2008, its over.

2009-01-03T03:31:00.003+08:00

Happy 2009 ! Hope its gonna be a great year ahead though 2008 ended real bad..

We split up after what seems like forever. It was very hard to bear but since it was something he wanted, i guess this is the only way to make him happy.

Sacrificed and gave too much in this relationship and making the both of us too tired to carry on. Might be a bad start of 2009 but i really hope things would get better for me.

I miss him like crazy now..and i am quite impressed i didnt turn up to meet him and instead went home after work today. Never been home so "early" on a Friday since more than a year ago.

I wished he knew how much i wanna see him and embrace him. I wonder how long i can stay away from seeing him and contacting him. Maybe i should really put 2008 away and start anew.

Mummy has been very supportive. She guessed what happened, and she guessed it all right. Never knew she would be so open-minded about it. Lovelove.

And friends that had been by my side all these while keeping me accompany till dawn whenever i needed someone, im really thankful to you guys..you know who you are..

I have a very strong urge to msg him now, hoping he would come meet me. Im dying to see him and give him the xoxo but i really shouldnt. Its over, we're over.

And if you think being together was hard, splitting up is much worst. I hate to do things i dont wanna do. Splitting up, forgetting him, not seeing him, not contacting him.. i really dont wanna do it, but i have to force myself to..

Reality is harsh..

I miss him so much that i wanna msg him but i shouldnt

I miss him so much that i dont know what i should do now

Oh gosh..i am going crazy again !!

I just wanna see him now...

bling bling nails

2008-12-28T16:54:00.003+08:00

In love with my new Christmas nails! Super bling bling! Dave came to pick me up all the way at Yishun for dinner but i was told that there is a team dinner at the very last minute. So in the end he sent me to Shenton way and picked me up again an hour later. Niceeeeeeeee

My previous nails.. also very nice right?

Whenever i show off my nails to the guys, all the response turns out to be the same boring roll eye nodded head expression. Tsk guys.

My Christmas eve was pretty awesome, so was my 2 weeks of leave. I met many people i havent seen for the longest time. But deep down, i know its you im missing, the one who i really wanna see.

wont you stop being so nonchalant to me..

this love..

2008-12-21T06:33:00.003+08:00

I love you too much to let you go, and this love i have for you is too pressurising. Maybe i should really just let go, but i really dont know how to..

Ive been thinking about you the entire day and at the same time reminding myself that you are away, too far away..

Dragging on really isnt doing us any better, its making us more distant. Dont understand why i cant just pluck up the courage to say goodbye, why cant i hold my head high up and walk away with dignity, why cant i stop making the two of us unhappy.

I am so selfish..

Please let me be the strong girl i once was, who can just easily walk away from a relationship that turned stale. Please let me have back my air and confidence, let me be the girl you used to know, the girl whom you fell for.

I am losing you..but before i really do, i have already lost myself.

In this lose-lose situation, what is it exactly that is holding me back?

If saying goodbye is the best resort, if leaving would make you feel happier and liberated, i guess i would really need to, even if its gonna hurt me so bad, so much worst than all these while.

I just want you to be happy, but would you really be?

Never knew loving someone wholeheartedly could cause so much pains to you and me. Never knew loving someone wholeheartedly could be so wrong.

I love you too much and im sorry i did.

But dont ever feel sorry to me, ive never felt that it was any of your fault. Lets push it all to love, push it all to fate, push it all to timings, push it all to impulsiveness, push it to everything else except yourself.

You're not making me sad, i am.

Stop deliberately trying to do things to push me off my limits, it doesnt really work that way, it doesnt really work for me.

I love you, too much, and im sorry i love you..

2008-12-14T00:24:00.001+08:00

and by the way, happy monthsary
something you'll never remember, but it doesnt really matter. this day wouldnt last anyway, would it?

Everything is going wrong..

2008-12-13T21:57:00.003+08:00

To think i thought everything's gonna start off well since my 2 weeks of leave have just started....

I lost my coin pouch yesterday at the theatre. I hate losing things, and this is probably the first time i lose something without getting pickpocketed. Now i have to spend a few hundred dollars, to get another one.

Then, i was supposed to meet Clement today for dinner and to hang out for a bit and of cos, to go to Cathay to enquire about my lost pouch. But here i am at home, talking to Clement on msn as i blog because i became sick, suddenly.

I woke up with a splitting headache and giddiness that feels 10 times worst than a hangover. My throat hurts so badly, my lips cracked cos they were too dry and i feel hot. The thought that my parents are going away on a holiday tomorrow and my sis is already away and i would be home alone wallowing in self-pity feeling horrendous with no food and no energy to even get a drink makes me feel really vulnerable right now.

I believed i have stopped depending so much on my boyfriend, but at this instance, its my boyfriend i really need the most. I believe even without medicine, as long as im napping beside him, i would wake up vibrant and fully refreshed. But no..not even a proper msg to care, not even the least concern.

I hope i get well by tonight so i wont feel so vulnerable tomorrow.

Kinda feel like crapped now.

Oh anyway, Twilight, the movie..was quite disappointing, but watching it with you, makes it an extremely good one.

Gonna let myself feel weak during this ill period, once i recover, i will stop harbouring such thoughts and not let myself feel this way. I will, try.

2008-12-12T03:54:00.003+08:00

I havent had a proper update for the longest time.

This Christmas is gonna suck with the economy going down and my company on the retrenchment exercise. Im safe..for now. Dont really wanna lose this job not just because of the money, but also because its the first job i actually worked for 1.5 years, the first proper job. And of cos, not to forget the friends i met.

Im glad i couldnt make it to the Uni because of the increased amount of dragon babies

Im glad i sent in my resume for the fun of it then

Im glad i landed in this department which im working at

Im glad i signed the contract and was scheduled at the right time for induction

Im glad im a smoker

Im glad.

I was quite excited when my friend is getting married this Dec and i was invited. That's because its the ever first wedding dinner im attending without my parents. Quite exciting, no? I even bought a nice dress for the dinner and thought of which heels i should pair it with. Am thinking of shopping for a nice clutch only to realise i wont be turning up after all. Oh well...there would always be another time, i guess.

I wanted to do a proper update..but i kinda just lost the mood.

Cant wait for my leave to start..15th to 25th, time to ask me out people!

to go with the flow, or not?

2008-11-30T18:42:00.002+08:00

People tend to follow what the majority say. To go with the flow, because they think that it is only right. But how right is right?

If 98% of the world's population tell you to do A, will you do it just because you think that it is only right since everyone is saying the same thing? And even if you think its right, do you really have to do it if it wasnt something you wanna do?

Sounds confusing? Let me elaborate.

For example, if people around tell you that 4Bia is a really good movie that scares the shit out of you, and you should really watch it. It doesnt necessary mean that you need to agree its a good movie. Watch it yourself and make your own judgement, why follow what other people say, or think? I watched it, and i think it sucks, pure boredom and not at all scary. Does that mean im wrong?

Did i confuse you even more? How about another example.

If you're in a relationship that is going no where and everyone tells you to end it. They say the best solution is to end it earlier than to drag on and feel worst. Everyone is saying the same thing, but its something you dont wanna do. Do you really have to do what everyone is telling you? Or do what you feel like doing even if its not totally right? It is your relationship, not theirs. You can listen to what they have to say, but you dont have to action if that is not what you wanna. How wrong is that? What everyone tell you, might not exactly be the best option! The best option is your own decision and opinion, something that wont make you think twice.

I am no longer gonna get psycho-ed by what everyone say. What everyone say might not be right, cos i only believe in what i say or what i wanna do - even if its a mistake. It is my life, i do what i want, not what everyone else wants.

And i hope, you will too.

powerpuff?

2008-11-23T17:00:00.002+08:00

I thought my tear duct dried up 4 years ago. Am quite surprised that i could still tear so much these couple of days. I impressed myself again!

I <3 my bf

2008-11-23T05:10:00.004+08:00

My eyes are swollen.

and I love my boyfriend.

I did my nails at Yawen's and its super bling bling. Love it though my typing speed and accuracy is now reduced by half and im taking a longer time to wash my hair and i cannot open can drinks as well as my storeroom door.

and I love my boyfriend a lot.

Im having a bad breakout and i am so annoyed with my face condition right now.

and I love my boyfriend very much.

I am feeling sleepy but i cant sleep. I hate sleepless nights.

and I love my boyfriend more than i ever loved anyone else.

I have many questions with no answers.

Have i already mentioned that i love my boyfriend ?

And at the end of the story, there's always a but.

But, but look on the bright side, everything's gonna be fine...

Midnight emotions, never fail to make me down

2008-11-16T04:05:00.005+08:00

I am so tired...so tired...

I used to think that its uber boring to spend my weekends like how i used to. Meeting the same old clique at late night, catch a movie, go for supper, talk for a bit and then head home. Now that we dont do that anymore, i realised that it wasnt a bore at all, cos nothing can get more boring than how i spend my weekends right now.

I miss the old times, but everything has changed and its really pretty sad how fragile our friendship could be. We've been through so much, so many years of our life together but it cant be compared to the new friends 'you've' made.

There's something which i really feel like doing right now, but i cant. There's also something which i should not do, but i am.

I used to love Vonda Shepard's Baby dont your break my heart slow and i could never agree more to how true the chorus is.

I'd rather you be mean, than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth, and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take the blow, at least then i will know
But baby dont you break my heart slow

Now? I totally disagree. Totally.

I'd rather you lie that you ~~love~~ like me. And i'd rather be kept hidden somewhere than to say goodbye. I'd rather pretend i have you than to realise i lost. But baby, could you not treat me so coldly?

I need to pop my anti-emo pills and jump straight to bed.

2008-11-10T01:27:00.002+08:00

I had a good long conversation with R that night and amazingly he always know what to say to wake me up from my silly moments and spank me back to life.

Every word he said, lingered in my mind, so vividly and constantly reminding me, brainwashing me and i try to fight back by escaping and got myself all caught up and confused.

Im starting to feel distant from my self. I am starting to feel suspicious of me. I dont really know myself anymore. Is this me? I always thought i know myself, but was i thought who i am really who i am? Am i evolving into the real me or have i been changing?

Tell me. All the hidden facts about me, starting to break free..not the kinda girl i thought i would be, not the kinda person i wanna be.

I dont wanna be me.

Lost and Found

2008-11-06T04:19:00.002+08:00

Today is probably one of the best moments. Not as happy as how my Sunday was spent of course, but still, a very happy day worthed to mention about.

I lost a great friend 2 years ago due to my confessions. And today, i got him back and you cannot imagine how elated i am right now because i really never thought this day would come.

"would u like to hang out with me again?" --this is the best thing ever heard today.

Boy am i glad. Miracles do happen, dont they?

And im going to meet my long lost friend right now!!

Now i see some hope on another perspective, is that good or bad?

im missing..

2008-10-27T03:34:00.002+08:00

I miss my happy pill who brightens me up

I miss my joker who makes me laugh

I miss my personal alarm clock who wakes me up

I miss my bolster who i can hug

I miss my anti-insomnia therapy who chats with me till daybreak

I miss my meals khaki who always make me fat

I miss my "driver" who picks me up and sends me home

I miss my jacket who keeps me warm when im cold and shivering

I miss my stress ball who i nag at all day

I miss my punching bag who only listens and never fight back at me when im throwing lil missy temper

I miss my singing partner who thinks i sound bad

I miss my movie partner who never fail to catch a bad flick together

I miss my msn buddy who is on the top of my list

I miss my other half who is probably...not missing me

and i miss all the sillyness, the sweetness, the bitterness, the sourness, the happiness, the anger, the tears and the fatigue of ours.

imu..xoxo

2008-10-25T18:11:00.006+08:00

Last Sunday, Adeline and i went shopping and we both went crazy.

I love this girl! We have quite a bit of things in common and its so easy to talk to her about anything and everything! So glad to have known her !!

So..the crazy us, ran to 3 different LV boutiques to get this newly launched bag that is already sold out! We couldnt wait till the new stocks arrive again..it was such a sudden decision for me. But please, you gotta agree that it is really super chio !

Some pictures from my hp..looks so grainy when uploaded to the computer. Dont like :(

I enjoyed how my week was spent, until the weekends came. I have this love-hate relationship towards the weekends and today, i exceptionally hate it.

yayyyyy

2008-10-18T17:31:00.005+08:00

My mummy's latest possession, which is a good news for me because i can use it, for free!!

We wanted to get the Tivoli, but it was sold out in Paris too..so we made do with the Palermo.

I wanna get the Chanel classic double-C next, but everyone is telling me that it is not a good investment. They think getting a Rolex is much better choice cos you can do a resale for a pretty good price. Im not so much of a watch person yet, cant seem to get enough of bags!

I got myself a new phone too - the HTC Touch Diamond

Dont really know how to fully utilise its function yet, and not gotten used to the touch screen (fat fingers maybe) but im loving it more and more as the days goes by.

Gonna go watch GGS2E6, does anyone know where to get E7? I thought it should be out already !!

I really hate the guessing game

2008-10-15T13:42:00.002+08:00

Its so...annoying when everytime i thought i fixed my feelings right and things would be going a little smoother only to realise its another deception point i laid on myself.

Am i such a bad liar that i can never lie to anyone else but am so good lying to myself?

Argh, dont wanna think abt it anymore

Meeting Royston for lunch now..hopefully in time for work

GOODBYE

what a week..

2008-10-12T04:52:00.006+08:00

The past week had been...wooaahh

My emotions took another rollercoaster ride, this time with more turns and steeper slopes but im glad its over. Challenges doesnt take forever, for the only constant is change.

I think im learning slowly, and taking it with more guts and open arms. Breathing never felt so calm and easy. Im glad i sort it out, thought it over and am embracing it with a more matured mindset. Dont wanna be a spoilt brat no more, thinking that i could have everything i ever wanted. This is the real world we're living in. Greed, dishonesty, selfishness and scams - face it, this is life.

And no, im not making it sound emo again. It lightens me up pretty much to put things away from my crazy mind, and to live my days with a smile on my face.

As long as you're happy, i'm happy, we're all good. And i dont wanna spoil the good moments by thinking negatively and thinking too much, too far.

Note to self: Gotta be more generous and be more selfless. Giving is a trait, no?

I figured that things would turn out better if i stop giving myself so much pressure. So nope, no more pressurizing, be it to you or to me. I'm sure one day, just one day, things would work out right.

Aahh...life feels so good when you get em back together again.

Then again, im quite depressed by something i just got to know. How temptations caused people to change, to break their vows of "i would never.." Sad isnt it? Then again, this is life, this is the wonders of growing up. Face it - you have no other options.

And to someone who i recently started to care about, hang on there..pick up those fragments of life you've shattered. You've been a great help to me during my dark moments, you showed me the light - my light. Im sorry i couldnt show you yours, maybe not yet but i'll keep trying until you pick yourself up and feel like me. My distractions, you dont have to fight it all alone, cos you've got me..a shoulder to cry on, a ear to hear your woes, a smile to make your day. You'll be fine, trust me. We're both taurus, and taurians dont die so easily. Be the big man i know, be the big man again and im sure you know who you are.

2008-10-05T15:31:00.003+08:00

I woke up at 10+am today and stoned all the way till now...

Tell me, what am i waiting for? What am i hoping for? What am i looking forward to?

I say...nothing, but disappointments.

Then again, i have no rights to feel the way im feeling.

So fuck it, and move on, like how i always do.

Maybe its time to go back to sleep..this time i wish i never wake up.

Over the past weekend, i ..

2008-09-30T00:52:00.003+08:00

My third fishing trip was pretty awesome. We managed to catch 4 sailfishes within a short span of time and i caught a couple of big fishes that was pretty hard to fight. It's extremely exciting to see the sailfish jumping and dashing to our boat, more exciting when Adeline was fighting hard with a super big one and there came another one in the other direction. Everyone on board was busy running up and down trying to do something.

I didnt fight any sailfishes this time because i was too lazy. I enjoyed the moments where i was sitting on the top deck and casually trying to catch some sotongs. Though the sun was uber blazing and the fibre glass were irritating my exposed skin, the view was just too amazing and i felt so free. That feeling, is something i havent felt in a long long time. Loveeeeeeeeeeeeee it!

We also played with fireworks related stuffs and i thought it was pretty exciting. I laughed so hard and screamed so much throughout. It was a really great trip though, im sure the 6 of us really needed this getaway for work had just drove us a little crazy these couple of works.

Tomorrow, im gonna start the battle again.

wish me luck!

amber's personality 1

2008-09-22T01:29:00.002+08:00

The conversation on MSN with a friend for 8 years made me confirmed that i am really difficult to understand and i really do have a split personality.

I finally discovered one part of my personality, and its pretty scary. But its just, in me..so everytime when things turn out against the way i want it to, i can only blame myself.

I brought it upon myself..

Such a shocking news to realise i have a personality like that..i wonder if its good or bad. I think its quite sick and psychotic. I should go see a shrink soon before it destroy myself.

And my friend, is so worried about me that every word she said made me feel like crying. I dont know what i did to deserve such dear friends..and im really thankful.

I am such a lost person, and my split personality just had to make it worst.

Now i know why my life is always in such a mess.

2008-09-20T04:19:00.001+08:00

I realised that im not actually a very good liar, or cheater.

down down down it goes

2008-09-19T04:06:00.002+08:00

Its amazing how my mood fluctuates so easily, like how the world's economy is doing right now. It was only about 1.5 years ago when the market was so good..and now..global crisis. I hate recession..

The only difference between my mood and the stock market, my mood fluctuates over the slightest thing.

Its amazing how such minor things could make me feel so depressed, to the extent where i get so sick and tired..that i dont wanna carry on walking. I so wanted to just collapse and wallow in self pity, crying my heart out and fall asleep.

I over-estimate myself too much sometimes, and in the real world, there's no such thing as turning back.

Its either, do or die.

Vous ..

2008-09-17T02:36:00.002+08:00

Quelque temps l'an dernier, j'ai redouté aller travailler. Je suis réveillé le matin se sentant déprimé, obtenir habillé et m'est forcé au bureau. Je suis rentré sanglotant mon coeur et me ferme hors dans la pièce, penser, ‹ pourquoi dois-je traverse ceci › ?

Et maintenant im commence à sentir la même façon encore.

Mais cette fois je sais qu'il wouldnt est comme mauvais, parce qu'ive vous a obtenu.

Et vous, a été mon pilier de force et de soutien.

Vous, a été ma source de bonheur.

Vous, a été la dernière personne je pensée d'avant que je dors et la première personne je pense à quand mes sonneries d'alarme.

Vous, a été l'un je toujours wanna voit, embrasser et embrasser.

Vous, a fait m'aller des têtes sur les talons sur vous.

Vous, a fait me sourire bête devant l'ordinateur ou devant le handphone.

Vous, a complété presque ma vie.

Mais le même vous, isnt soley le mien.

Le même vous, avez un coeur pour fractionner.

Le même vous, ne m'a jamais pris comme une priorité.

Le même vous, a fait me pleurer.

Le même vous, a menti tout ces pendant que.

Et le même vous, ne m'avait jamais dit une fois « je vous aime ».

Updates !!

2008-09-08T00:39:00.009+08:00

I've been home the entire weekends, accomplishing stuffs which ive been procrastinating for the longest time. Had a lot of spare time to think about all those things jumbled up on my mind, did loads of self-reflections and decision making, did household chores for the first time since idontknowhowlongago.

What can i say? LG - Life's Good!

I cant say that i have no more worries, but at least its better than before.

Well anyway, please visit Lè Exclusive, i just bought 2 tops from there and i so cant wait to get it !!

Also joined spree for La Senza and Victoria Secret, cant wait to get my hands on those lovely lingerie and nighties!

I realised i havent been posting pictures, so..just a couple of random shots now..

Nicky's farewell before leaving to Aussie at Wayne's place

Xiang Yun's birthday at Acid Bar

Gavin's farewell at his place

Leanne's birthday

And a couple of my narcism

I have many more pictures to share, but maybe next time.

Gonna watch the new Korean show on cable now! Hello, my girl.

all the things they said

2008-09-01T03:04:00.005+08:00

People say.. when two individuals fall in love with each other, they will gloom and their faces become more radiant, cheerful and better looking.

People say.. when two individuals just started to date each other, they will spend a lot of time together and are so loving that they stick to one another like super glue and they all call it the 'honeymoon period'.

People say.. when somebody is in love, a simple smile could tell how happy they are because it was a smile right from the heart.

But can somebody tell me why, i dont look gloomy but grumpy, i dont look radiant but jaded, i dont look cheerful but devasted and i dont look at all prettier.

I am happy, really, and i look happy when i smile, but how exactly happy am i?

The most beautiful bouquet of lilies i received, but they are all starting to wither.

Is it true what most people say?

That all beautiful things doesnt last long..